


Lipstick

by SalamanderGoo



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Comfort, Crying, Dysphoria, F/M, Genderfluid Brian, Genderfluid Character, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 04:10:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10756443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalamanderGoo/pseuds/SalamanderGoo
Summary: He was wearing lipstick, and Dan was going to find out why.Brian just wanted to figure out who he is, and when he started to notice a few of his coworkers.And Suzy was determined to get him some better makeup.





	1. Fluid?  Like Water?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian's been having some complicated feelings, but Dan takes it upon himself to get to the bottom of it all.

Dan looked up when he heard the office door open, he was about to call out to Brian, but noticed the other's expression was one of paranoia and worry.  Then he noticed Brian's lips were bright red.  The lipstick was unmistakable, and Brian quietly made his way to his desk, drawing no attention.  Dan didn't say anything, only silently observing.  

It was less than 20 minutes later the Brian got up, walking briskly to the bathroom.  His hand was held up near his face, hiding his mouth.  Dan waited, eyes flicking to the shut bathroom door every couple of minutes.  When Brian came back out, his lips had been scrubbed of any extra color.  If you looked closely, a faint red stain was visible. 

Brian was quiet for a long time, and he seemed frustrated.  When Dan got up to approach, he was pulled away by Arin.  Right.  They had filming scheduled.  He let out a soft huff of air, throwing a glance at Brian again.  

He didn't get a chance to talk to Brian at all, both of their schedules clashing.  When Dan was free, Brian was busy, and vice versa.  Dan wasn't sure if this was anything to be brought up through text or a phone call.  He wasn't even sure if it meant anything.  So he did nothing.

The next day, Brian came in with a subtler color, but it was still definitely lipstick.  He looked just as nervous as he had the day before, keeping his head down ever so slightly.  A half hour later, Brian got up, but as he was passing Dan's desk, Dan reached out, carefully grabbing his wrist.  "Hey, can we talk?"

Brian's eyes widened, and he looked around.  "Uh, about what?"

"Just come with me."  Dan stood, leading Brian into an empty room and looking at him once the door was closed.  Brian looked absolutely terrified.  "You're wearing lipstick."

Brian took a half step towards the door.  "Y-yes?"

"Why?"

"I- um, I wasn't planning- it's..."

Dan waited a moment, and when it was clear Brian wasn't going to form a cohesive sentence, he interjected.  "Brian, why are you wearing lipstick?  You're my best friend, and I'm not gonna judge you if you like dressing up or something."

Brian let out a shaky breath, shoving his hands in his pockets.  "It's more than that."

"More than what?"  Dan tilted his head slightly. 

"More than just- just dressing up sometimes."  He refused to meet Dan's gaze, eyes trained on the floor.  "It's still confusing to me.  I'm not exactly a guy?  But I'm not really a girl either?  And it... it shifts a lot."

"What?"  Dan was unabashedly confused, not quite understanding what Brian was saying.

"I don't fuckin know.  It's all really weird and frustrating."  He grabbed a tissue from a box on the table in the room.  He started aggressively rubbing at his mouth with it.  "I've been... experimenting with it."  He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, sighing as he got most of the lipstick off.  "Fuck, I know it's dumb.  Just... pretend we never talked about this."

Dan watched as Brian walked off, frustrated.  He sighed, confused by what Brian had told him.  That was the last thing he'd expected from Brian.  And now Brian was upset, maybe at him.  He had to figure out what was going on.  Get to the bottom of it all.  

He did a shit ton of research that night, headphones on as he curled up on the couch with his laptop.  Barry leaned over the back of the couch after a while, dressed for bed.  "Hey, Dan, I'm headed to bed.  You should think about doing the same."

Dan sat up, kissing Barry softly.  "I'll be in soon.  I'm just gonna finish up some stuff here."

"Alright.  Love you."

"You too, hon."  Dan smiled, watching Barry go into their room before laying back down with his laptop.  He finished up some research, realizing it was much later than he expected.  "Oh god, Barry's gonna kill me," he mumbled.  He got up and stretched, his back cracking loudly.  "Ow."

Barry was sitting up in bed, reading when Dan walked in.  "Bout time."

"Sorry.  You didn't have to wait for me though."  Dan started to get undressed.

"Last time I didn't, you fell asleep on the couch and had an awful night terror.  I don't want to see you go through that again ever."  Barry pouted as Dan got changed.

"I know..."  He sighed, crawling into bed and wrapping his arms around Barry.  "I'm sorry.  I had some really important stuff to figure out.  Now you need to get some sleep."

"Just me?"  Barry grinned as he turned off the light.

"I guess I need to, too."  He laid down, curling himself around Barry's back.  "Love you."

"You too," Barry mumbled softly, pressing back more against Dan.

The next morning, Dan waited by the conference room, grabbing Brian's arm, startling him.  "What the hell, Dan?"

"Just... Come here."  Dan pulled Brian into the room. 

"Look, if this is about yesterday, just forget it."

"This is exactly about yesterday."  Dan half pushed Brian into a chair, dragging another over.

"Is this you firing me or something?  You don't have that authority!"  Brian looked worried, borderline panicked.

"No!  No, not at all!"  Dan put a hand on Brian's knee.  "Calm the hell down, it's fine.  I just want to talk."

"About what?"  Brian frowned, clasping his hands together. 

"About the stuff you told me yesterday.  I took the stuff you told me and did some research."

"O-oh?"

"Mhm.  I found a term for it.  Genderfluid!"

"Fluid?  Like water?"

Dan laughed, turning on his laptop.  "Something like that.  It just means that your gender changes.  Maybe it happens every day, every week, however long."

"I... thought it was supposed to be set."

"Well, it can be.  But in your case, not so much.  Or, well, I assume not so much.  I found a fuckton of websites for resources if you want."

"Oh.  Thank you."  Brian smiled faintly as Dan passed him the laptop to him, a bunch of tabs open.  

"Go ahead and just check stuff out.  Find out what makes you comfortable.  And, uh, keep me updated?"  Dan smiled lightly.

"Of course."  Brian smiled a little, running a hand through his hair.  At a second glance, Dan noticed that Brian's hair was getting a little longer, down past the top of his ears.  It looked nice.

He grinned, patting Brian on the shoulder as he left the room, leaving him to the websites.  Dan spent the day recording with Ross, which was nice, since he and Ross hadn't spent time together for quite a while.  When he got out towards the end of the day, he was laughing, half yelling at Ross, who was just laughing with him.  

"Hey, uh, Dan, do you want to grab some dinner?  There's some stuff I want to discuss.  With you."  Brian was standing by Dan's desk, the laptop closed on the desk.  

"Oh, yeah!  But I came here with Barry, so-"

"I can drive you home after.  I just need to talk to you.  Please." 

"Yeah, of course.  Let me just get my stuff together."  He headed over to Barry's desk, gently taking his headphones.  "Hey, I'm going out with Brian tonight."  

Barry hummed.  "Is he going to bring you home?"

"Yeah.  I'll see you there."  He gave Barry a gentle kiss, smiling softly.

"See you at home."  Barry lightly patted Dan's butt, earning a tiny glare and a smile.

Dan grabbed his laptop bag, smiling at Brian.  "Ready to head out?"

"Yeah, yeah, I am."  Brian nodded, leading Dan out to his car.  The drive was near silent, Brian visibly nervous as he drove, Dan letting Brian decide if he wanted to start a conversation.

When they got to the restaurant, Brian got them a table.  Once they'd ordered, Dan finally managed to make eye contact.  "Alright, now, what do we need to discuss?  I assume this is about the stuff from this morning?"

"Yeah, yeah, it is." He took a deep breath. "So, yeah, I think I am genderfluid, I think that fits with..." He half gestured to himself. "Me."

"That's awesome!" Dan grinned at Brian. "I'm happy for you man."

"Really? You're not like, going to kick me out of NSP and find another keyboard player?"

"Brian, look into my eyes." He waited for Brian to make eye contact. "You are Brian Wecht. My best friend, my business partner, one of the few people that I know for a fact that I can rely on. Do you think I care about something as arbitrary as your gender? I care about you."

"Oh." Brian fell quiet, stirring his straw in his glass of soda. "I- thank you..."

"Of course. I know this is still a pretty new revelation to you, but if you wanted to come out to the others, I'm sure they'd have the same reaction. But it's completely up to you."

"I'll... Think about it. I'm still not even sure what this means for me. Like, yeah, I'm genderfluid, okay, that's the simplest part. There's a lot to consider past that. I have a public identity. If I want to use other pronouns or wear makeup or dresses or even grow my hair out more than I have, I have to come out to more people than just my circle of friends. I have to explain it on twitter or make a video or something along those lines." He let out a long sigh, the realizations starting to crash down. "I want to be who I am, be able to experiment beyond my apartment. But... I'm not ready for that kind of attention yet."

"That's okay." He reached over to lightly pat Brian's hand. "If you're not ready, then don't. Or do, again, it's up to you." He smiled. "If I can make a recommendation, maybe start with Suzy or Holly. They might be able to help you with experimentation for your feminine side."

"I suppose you're right. That... would be nice. I still don't know what I'm doing. I- I have some cheap makeup and a skirt at home. I, um, I don't know how skirt sizing is supposed to work. And I've only figured out lipstick."

"Then yeah, go for it! Again, we're all open minded. I was... shocked when you told me because I didn't quite understand. And it's not what you'd expect. But I learned about it. And they'll be willing to do the same."

 

"Alright."  He took a deep breath.  "Thank you, Dan."


	2. What Do the Numbers Mean?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian comes out to Arin and Suzy with some... unexpected results.

'Hey, are you at home?'

'Yeah, why do you ask?'

'Do you mind if I come over?  I wanted to talk to you about some stuff.'

It had been two weeks since Brian and Dan had talked, and those weeks had been busy.  Brian had decided that the next logical step was to out himself to Suzy.  Maybe Arin.  Him and Suzy were who he was probably nervous about, mostly because of his crush.  No, because Arin could fire him.  Not because of his crush.  He wasn't crushing on them.  Either of them.  At all.  Nope.

He jumped, startled when his phone buzzed in his hand, yanking him from his thoughts.  Suzy had replied to him. 'Of course!  You know you're allowed to drop by anytime!  :)'

'Is now an okay time?'

'Absolutely.'

He smiled to himself, chest a little jittery.  He was in this deep, wasn't he?  He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he got up from his couch.  It was late afternoon on Saturday, rain pouring down.  Rain was always soothing for him, a relaxer of his nerves. 

Brian grabbed his keyring, taking a deep breath as he left his small apartment, making his way down the hall to the stairs.  He briefly greeted a neighbor on the way down, pushing hair away from his face.  He needed to get his bangs trimmed at some point out of sheer convenience.

He was anxious through the drive, racking his mind.  He didn't know how he was going to explain this.  With Dan, he didn't have a choice.  Dan figured out before he did!  He knew Arin didn't know a whole lot about this kind of thing.  Suzy knew a little more, but still was a little uncertain.  He knew that much.

Before Brian could figure out what he was going to say, he was parked in the driveway.  He'd have to improvise.  But he had done improv for years!  He could... he could do this.  Yeah.

He knocked lightly on the door, shivering a little in the rain.  At least he hadn't decided to put makeup on.  It would've run, and that would've sucked massive amounts of dick.  The door swung open, and Suzy grinned at him before looking down.  "Hey!  No, you don't go outside."

Brian looked down, seeing her holding back Mimi with her foot.  "She never was the smartest, was she?"

Suzy ushered Brian inside, getting the door shut.  "Nope.  But we love her anyway."  She smiled a little as she looked at Brian, who had water dripping from his hair, his shoulders soaked.  "Can I grab you some tea or coffee or something?"

"Coffee would be nice, yeah."

She squeezed his shoulder, and he could swear her hand burned his skin.  "I'll be right back.  You take it with sugar, right?" 

"Yeah.  Right."  He smiled as she headed into the kitchen, looking down when he felt something brush past his legs.  "Hey there Mimi..."  He knelt down, letting her sniff at his hand before starting to pet her.  He loved the cats.  "Who's a good girl?"

He felt something nudge his back, a response greeting him.  "I think you're the good girl, Brian."  

Heat flooded his cheeks, and he looked up at Arin.  "Wh-what?"  He almost liked being called a girl, even if it was teasing.  It felt almost... right.  Maybe that was just today, but it was still nice.

Arin laughed.  "Hey.  Suzy told me you were coming over.  Relax man, you look like you're about to faint."

"I'm calm!"  Brian did feel a little lightheaded because of nerves, but Arin didn't have to know that.

"Right... So, what are you here about?"

"He doesn't have to have a reason, you know.  He is our friend."  Suzy came back into the room, holding a mug of coffee.  Brian stood, quietly thanking her as he took it.

"Yeah, but this is Brian.  There's a reason for everything he does."

Brian chuckled softly.  "Is that so?  Then what's my reason for teasing Dan?"

"Repressed homosexual feelings?"

"Close.  I just happen to like making Dan uncomfortable.  Also, any and all homosexual feelings I may or may not have aren't repressed."  He smirked a little, taking a sip of the coffee.

"That's fair."  Arin grinned.  "So what's your reason for wanting to come hang with us?"

"I actually wanted to come talk with you guys.  It's about some... personal revelations, I suppose."  His playful demeanor faded, and his nerves were back.  "It's all kinda complicated."

Suzy rested a hand on his back.  "Let's sit down.  This sounds pretty serious."  She led him over to the couch, sitting him down.  Mochi meowed, putting his paw on Brian's leg.

"Hey buddy."  Brian patted his butt, making him purr.

Arin smiled.  "Man, the cats seem to like you, huh?"

"I guess."  Brian smiled faintly, half playing with Mochi with his free hand.  "About the personal revelation thing... Do you two know what... about, fuck, um... Have either of you heard the term genderfluid?"

Arin and Suzy shared a glance.  Suzy spoke up first.  "Once or twice in passing."

"I don't think I have."   Arin shrugged.

"Okay, well, um, it's basically where someone's gender isn't stationary?  Like, one day, they're a guy, the next they're a girl, and another day they're something completely different."  He took a deep breath.  "It's a complicated, it's confusing, and it's absolutely frustrating.  It's also... It's also what I am."

There was a long beat of silence, Brian staring down at his mug, Arin and Suzy not saying anything.  Even the cats were silent.  Suzy broke the silence.  "So... you're a girl?"

"Sometimes, yeah.  Not all the time.  Sometimes."

"What are you today?"

He sighed.  "I'm not really sure.  I feel like a girl.  But also kinda like something else."  He scratched Mochi gently, still not looking up.

Arin spoke up softly, his hand resting on Brian's leg.  "So it's a day by day thing?"

"Yeah."

"How do you know what you're going to be?"

"I don't.  It just... happens.  I'm just along for the ride, it feels."  Brian let out a soft breath, drinking more of his coffee.  His shirt was still wet, clinging to his arms and shoulders, water dripping from the ends of his hair.

"That sounds frustrating..."

Brian snorted, holding the mug tighter.  "Yeah.  Beyond frustrating really."  He smiled faintly when Mochi rubbed against his stomach.  "I talked to Dan about all this a couple weeks ago.  He's the one who helped me with most, if not all the research I did.  I'm just... scared.  I have a public identity, and if I were to come out full scale, it could mean severe backlash on the bands, on the channel, on everything I've ever been a part of.  If I was the only one at risk, I wouldn't care.  Self preservation has never been a high priority of mine."

"Brian, I'm sure it'll be fine."  Suzy offered a soft smile that made Brian's heart beat just a little faster.  

"I don't want anyone to suffer because of me." 

Arin huffed softly.  "Brian, come on."  He scooted closer, an arm wrapping around Brian.  "Okay, so you'll probably get some reactions, spark some hate, yadda yadda ya.  But we've been blessed with an overall accepting fanbase.  It'll be okay, I promise."

Brian finally lifted his head to look at Arin.  "You're sure?"

"Certain.  But you don't have to come out unless you're ready.  It's your choice."

Brian let his head fall forward, his forehead resting against Arin's shoulder.  "Thank you..."

Arin laughed softly, tightening the half embrace.  "You're still the same Brian we know and love."

Brian felt himself blushing again, silently cursing himself as he sat back up fully.  "Thanks... I um, wanted to talk to Suzy about some stuff while I'm here.  And since this went so much better than I expected."

Suzy laughed softly.  "Yeah?  What's on your mind?"

"I've been looking at skirts online and I... I have no idea how the sizing work.  What do the numbers mean?"

She smiled, moving closer.  "The numbers don't exactly correlate with measurements.  But it has to do with your hips and waist.  It usually makes more sense if you try them on, but I can understand why you might not consider that much of an option."

"Yeah.  It felt odd enough just buying cheap makeup at the drugstore."  He sighed lightly.

Suzy set a hand on his cheek, making him look at her.  "You bought makeup?"

"Some lipstick.  And eyeliner, but I stabbed myself in the eye with it..."

"Maybe I should help you with that next time."

"Maybe."  He smiled shyly.

She pressed a quick kiss to his lips, and he froze in shock.  After a moment, he heard Arin's voice, but it hardly registered.  "Suze... Did you break him?"

"Maybe... I didn't mean to though."

"We agreed we weren't going to approach it like this!" 

"I know... I'm sorry."

Arin waved a hand in front of Brian's face.  "Bri?  You okay?"

Brian blinked a few times, still in a kind of shock.  "She kissed me."

"Mhm.  We wanted to talk to you about that." Arin put a hand on Brian's leg.

"We like you Brian."  Suzy smiled apologetically.  "A lot.  Both of us.  And I know you've got a lot going on with your... how did you put it?  Revelations.  And if you don't want this or aren't prepared for something like this, that's absolutely fine.  But we'd like to put it on the table that we want a relationship with you."

"Oh... Holy shit..."  Brian was quiet for a long moment.

Arin rubbed his back gently.  "If you need time, that's okay.  You don't have to answer right now."

"No, fuck, I just... This is a lot all at once."  He looked between them a moment.  "I've liked you both for a long time."  He ran a hand through his hair.  "I'm not totally sure how to react to this."  He laughed a little.

Arin smiled softly.  "Can I kiss you?"

"Yes.  Absolutely."

Arin laughed, pulling Brian close and bending his head down to kiss Brian softly.  It was gentle, borderline experimental.  Enough to leave Brian breathless.  Arin grinned as he pulled away, cheeks flushed pink.  "So?"

"That was really nice," Brian murmured, looking up at Arin.  "You... you two really want me?"

"Of course we do."  Suzy cut in, voice soft and gentle.  "As long as you'll have us."

"I want this.  I really do."  Brian smiled.

"How about we start with you staying for dinner?"

"That... sounds perfect."


	3. I'm Still Not Sure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On his journey to come out to all his friends, Ross and Holly are next on his list.

Everything was changing so quickly, and Brian was struggling to keep up.  He was out to Dan, Suzy, and Arin, and now he was dating Arin and Suzy.  All in the span of less than a month.  But for once, it was a good overwhelmed.  Suzy had done his makeup once, and it was odd to see himself like that.  He thought he'd looked pretty good, but it was a little dramatic for his taste.  

Another busy week came up, leaving him and Ross to man the office while Dan, Arin, Vernon, Suzy, and Barry were out at live events.  Barry had mostly gone to help behind the scenes, not really planning to do much with the actual shows.  As the day was wrapping up, early since they could only do so much, Brian spoke up.  "Hey Ross?"

"What's up man?"  Ross looked up from his computer, where he was saving and shutting programs down.

"Would you and Holly like to have dinner with me?  I've been speaking with the others about some recent things that could... possibly change things."

Ross furrowed his brow.  "Are you... dying?"

"What?  No.  No, I'm fine.  It's not that."  He laughed a little.  "It's nothing particularly life changing per se.  Just a bit of a change."

"Alright.  I'll give Holly a call."  He gave Brian a suspicious look, getting out his phone.  Brian could hear the quiet conversation from his desk as he got his stuff together.

"...yeah, but he said he's not dying?  I don't know.  I'll come pick you up.  Mhm.  Love you too, bye."  Ross looked up at Brian after hanging up the phone.  "Where are we meeting up?  I have to pick Holly up first."

"How about the diner that's around the corner?  They've got stuff Holly likes, right?"

"Yeah, we go there all the time for lunch when she hangs out here."  Ross smiled as he stood.  "I'll be there in 20."

"See you then."  Brian nodded, watching as Ross walked out.  He was less nervous than he had been the last two times.  Well, the last time.  He knew Ross and Holly were both pretty accepting with this kind of thing.  He sighed as he pulled on his sweatshirt.  His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he smiled when Arin's contact lit up the screen.  "Hey you."

"Hey you."  He heard soft laughter on the other end.  "How's everything in the grump office?"

"Good.  Ross and I only briefly considered burning it down.  How's the hotel?"

"It's pretty nice.  Suze and I are going to head out pretty soon.  Dan and Barry are out at dinner before the show, and Vernon's out doing... Vernon things."

"Sounds accurate enough."  He took a deep breath.  "I'm going to dinner with Ross and Holly soon.  I'm coming out to them."

"You are?  Bri, that's great!"  His voice was a little softer, more gentle when he spoke again.  "I'm proud of you."

Brian felt his heart flutter, his cheeks taking on color.  "Thank you..."  He sighed softly, running a hand through his hair.  "I think I'm going ask Holly about some, uh, less dramatic makeup techniques.  I'm not nearly as dramatic as Suzy, as fantastic as she is."

"Yeah?  That makes sense.  As great as you looked when she gave you that makeover, that's not much of a day to day look for you, huh?"

"Arin, I wear jeans and a tee almost every day, regardless of my gender.  Maybe a skirt or tie if I feel fancy."

Arin laughed.  "That's true.  I should get going, but I promise I'll text you after the show."

"Alright.  I've got to run, too.  Tell Suzy I said hey."

"I will.  Bye!" 

The line clicked as Arin hung up, leaving Brian smiling happily.  He put his phone in his pocket, grabbing his keys to lock up for the day.  He switched off the lights, looking around quickly before leaving.  

He began to walk down the sidewalk in front of the office, bristling at the cool breeze that seemed to penetrate through his clothes.  The restaurant was too close to justify driving though.  He got there just a moment before Ross and Holly, smiling when Holly got out and gave him a quick hug.  "Hey!  It's great to see you."

He chuckled softly, patting her back lightly.  "Hey to you too."

She took a step back, her hands still on his shoulders as she looked into his eyes.  "You're not dying, right?"

He sighed softly.  "No Holly, I'm not dying.  I'm not sick either."

"Just making sure."

"Did Ross tell you I'm dying?"

"He said you weren't, but he didn't seem sure."

Brian sighed, running a hand through his hair.  "Ross.  I'm not dying.  I promise."

"Okay, okay, fine.  I just... worry.  You're not one to say anything when something's wrong, so the fact that you're bringing... whatever this is feels off.  Like this is something big."  There was a long pause, Holly and Ross looking intently at Brian, who focused his gaze on the ground.  "The lack of a sarcastic comment tells me I'm right."

Brian sighed, shrugging.  "I don't know if it's really a big thing for anyone else.  It is for me, especially considering how long it took me to realize all of this."  He sighed again, not sure how to explain his feelings.  It wasn't really his forte to talk about these things.  "Can we just go in and talk about it over food?"

Holly smiled gently.  "That sounds fantastic."

Once they were inside and seated, Holly and Ross turned their attention to Brian.  "So... what is all this about?"  Ross stared into his eyes, questioning and worried.

"I... fuck, I'm still not sure how to do this."  Brian held his breath a moment, arranging his thoughts.  Even if he flubbed all of this, he could be articulate when he did.  "So I've recently come upon some... self evaluation on some things I suppose I've been ignoring for a long time.  Longer than maybe I should've."  Okay, that was a good start.  That was a good point to establish.  "I'm not... I'm not..."  Less good.  Less of a good start.  Less than articulate.  He really needed to start planning his words before opening his mouth.  He used to be good at that, goddamnit.  "You know what, fuck it.  I'm gonna be blunt.  I'm genderfluid."  

There was a long moment of silence.  Ross, being Ross, broke the silence.  "That's it?  Oh thank god."  Holly and Brian both looked at him.  "Sorry, I just... I still thought you were dying."

Brian laughed, because in that moment of sheer relief, there wasn't much else he could do.  Holly shook her head, patting Ross's hand gently.  "Oh Ross..."  She smiled softly, looking over at Brian.  "Genderfluid, huh?  That's a pretty huge thing."

"I guess."  Brian nodded.  "I think I've known for awhile.  I didn't know the term until last month or so.  It's complicated."

"These things are going to be.  It's amazing enough that you've figured it out!"

Ross smiled gently.  "Yeah, man.  If that's who you are, then fuck, that's who you are."  He shrugged.  "And you know, it'll be complicated.  But we're both here for you."

"Thank you."  Brian smiled, knowing his face was turning red.  He hated how bashful he could get.

"Does anyone else know?" Holly asked.

"Well, Dan was the one who helped me figure out most of this, so there's him, and I told Arin and Suzy a little more than a week ago."  He didn't mention the relationship, still uncertain of the boundaries there.  It was more than just a new thing for him after all.  With them being married, it almost felt intrusive.  But that was something to discuss another time.

"Not Barry?" Ross asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"I haven't gotten much of a chance to talk to him.  We've both been busy lately."

"That's true."  Ross nodded.  "I'm guessing the ones who do know reacted well?  You've seemed to be closer to Arin and Suzy the last week, week and a half."

"Well, yeah, they did."  Brian sighed.  "It's weird.  I'm pushing 42, and only now am I really figuring this stuff out."

"So what?"  Holly shrugged, twisting her straw wrapper.  "That doesn't matter.  That just means it took you a little while to figure it out."

"You don't think it makes me... weird?  Well, weirder than I already am, I guess."

"You're plenty weird.  You have a PhD, but write songs about Dan's dick.  This?  This is probably the least weird thing about you."  She smiled sweetly.

"You know what's really weird?" Ross cut in.  "That time you called me daddy for like 40 minutes straight."  He smirked.  "That's weird, and this really isn't."

"You've got a point."  Brian grinned, half leaning across the table.  "Am I being a naughty baby, Ross?  Do you need to punish me?"

"Brian!"  Ross covered his face with a long groan.

Holly rubbed his arm, giggling.  "Keep that to the recording booth, you two."

Brian chuckled, taking a sip of his water.  Around that time, their food came, and they fell into a comfortable silence.  When they were finishing up, Brian spoke up again.  "Um, hey, Holly?"  When she looked up at him, he continued.  "I'm not really all that good with makeup, and Suzy has a bit of a dramatic flair... Do you think you could teach me some simple techniques?"

"Oh, yeah, of course!  There's definitely some stuff I could show you.  Maybe something that brings out your eyes."  She grinned, her eyes scanning his face as she thought.

Ross chuckled softly.  "Be prepared to have her all over you.  I made the mistake of letting her give me a makeover once."

Brian smirked.  "And why haven't I heard about this?"

"He looked fantastic, let me tell you."  Holly affectionately headbutted Ross's arm, making him smile.

"I'm sure he did."  Brian smiled as he watched the two.  He really did have fantastic friends.


	4. Everything Feels So Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian experiences his first intense dysphoria since coming out, but his partners are there when he needs them.

Another few weeks passed, uneventful. Ish. Brian had come out to Barry and Vernon (who, as it turned out, was agender!), and he'd been over to Holly and Ross's once or twice to have his makeup done, Holly teaching him how to use eyeliner and contour. He could distinctly remember Ross's chattering during the sessions. It was sickeningly sweet to listen to how domestic the two were. 

It almost made him want the same thing.

But he didn't think about it too much, working on music with Dan and Arin, recording with Barry, teasing Vernon on camera for Instagram. The usual. He was almost thankful when he was hit by about two weeks of masculine days, leaving him actually comfortable in his own skin. As a relatively basic week struck, no big live shows or concerts coming up, he woke up feeling... odd. It wasn't feminine. Wasn't masculine either. It was uncomfortable and annoying, and he wasn't sure if he should shave or put on makeup or what he even wanted.

He was grumpy as he left his apartment with half hearted eyeliner on and unshaven stubble. A plain black clip was holding his hair out of his face and a glare was fixed on his face. As he got to the office, moving to sit at his desk, a pair of small hands rested on his shoulders. "Hey Brian... Is everything okay?" Suzy's voice was soft, and from that alone, he knew she'd seen his expression.

He groaned softly, leaning his head back against her chest. Her hands massaged his shoulders gently, rubbing softly. "I'm just feeling... complicated today."

"Ah." She bent down to kiss the top of his head. "Anything I can do to help out, or do you just need to sit through it?"

"I think I just have to let it happen." Brian rubbed his forehead.

"Alright, well, unrelated, but do you want to come over tonight?" She ran a hand through his hair, her nails gently scratching along his scalp, making him let out a pleased sigh. "Arin's making dinner, and you know the cats love you."

"Yeah... yeah, that sounds nice..." He sighed, leaning into her touch. "Thank you."

"Of course sweetie." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding him for a long moment. He rested his hands on her arms, head tucked under Suzy's chin. They stayed like that for a few moments, Suzy humming gently to him. 

"I should probably get to work," he said softly, sighing. He didn't want to end the moment, but he really did have a lot of business-y stuff to get done.

"Alright, hon." She rubbed his arms as she stood up fully, pressing a kiss to the top of his hair. "I need to get some work done too. But I'll see you tonight. Okay?"

"Okay." He smiled faintly, booting up his computer as Suzy walked off to her desk. 

He got to work, enveloping himself in it to ignore the odd feeling in his mind. It actually worked for awhile, and he managed to make a pretty huge dent in the usual mountain of work he and Dan usually had. He was pulled from his working mindset when a hand rested on his bicep. "Hey Bri." Arin smiled at him, gentle. "You should stop and get some lunch or something to eat."

Brian rolled his neck, wincing when it cracked. "Mhm... Yeah." The hand slid over his arm as Arin reached for his hand.

"Come on. There's stuff to make sandwiches in the kitchen." Arin pulled him out of the chair, leading him to the small kitchen. 

Brian just followed him, smiling at Barry, who was holding his sandwich and waiting for his coffee to finish. Barry half waved to him, grinning. "Hey Brian. I got here after you and you seemed pretty invested in your work. Didn't want to interrupt you."

Brian nodded. "Yeah. Had a lot of work to get done." He smiled a little when he felt Arin's hand resting on his back. He relaxed slightly at the gentle touch, eyes fluttering shut a moment as he let out a long sigh.

Barry smiled, taking a sip of his coffee and picking up his plate, quietly leaving the two alone in the kitchen. Arin smiled, arm wrapping around Brian's waist. "Come on babe. Let's get you some lunch." He pressed a light kiss to the side of his head, smiling softly. Brian nodded quietly, resting his head on Arin's shoulder.

It was quiet, the two of them making lunch in relaxed silence. Brian kept his head down, his movements slow. Arin frowned, reaching over to take Brian's hand. "Hey... What's wrong?"

"I don't know..." He sighed, squeezing Arin's hand. "Everything feels so... complicated today. My head, my body, and I'm just tired."

Arin moved around the counter, hugging Brian from behind. "Do you want to talk?"

"Just... hold me for now?"

"Of course." Arin smiled a little, feeling Brian press his face into his neck, his hands wrapping around Arin's waist. He held Arin tightly, his breaths long and quiet. Arin ran his fingers through Brian's hair, humming softly and swaying. After a few minutes, Brian's hold on Arin loosened slightly, and his body relaxed against Arin's "There we go. Do you feel any better?"

"A little." Brian's voice was quiet, almost hesitant. He didn't want to let go of Arin. He felt safe, comfortable here, and the last thing he wanted was to let go. But he slowly let his arms drop to his side, looking down at the ground.

Arin tilted Brian's head up, giving him a long, sweet kiss. "Alright, good." He smiled softly, squeezing Brian's hands. "Now, eat your lunch, okay?"

"Okay..." He nodded, letting out a deep breath and grabbing his sandwich, retreating to his desk to eat his lunch quietly.

The rest of the day went by quickly, everyone just doing work at their desks. It was an odd day, nothing crazy happening, no recording, no... anything. It wasn't doing anything to help Brian, who felt himself falling into his own head too fast.

It was after Ross and Dan and Barry had left that he broke, trembling as tears began to mess up his eyeliner and streak down his face.  He just folded his arms on his desk and buried his face in the crook of his elbow, unsteady tears not ceasing.  His chest felt uncomfortably tight, skin crawling with each forced breath.  Why was he crying?  He didn't understand and it hurt and everything felt so messed up.  

"Brian?"  Arin's voice made Brian freeze, tears still forming and falling and making black streaks appear on his face.  "Hey, what's wrong?"  Brian swallowed a lump in his throat, but it was only replaced with another that choked him, keeping him from saying a word.  "Brian, come on... Sit up for me."

Arin crouched down, watching as Brian slowly sat up, face streaked with black marks that he was trying to wipe away with his hands.  "I-I'm sorry..."

"No no, shh... Don't apologize."  Arin moved closer, pulling Brian into a hug, feeling Brian's wet face pressing into his neck as he silently cried. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," Brian mumbled, shaking as he felt another wave of something hit him, forcing more tears. He let out a choked gasp, almost a sob. 

"It's okay... I've got you..."

Brian cried harder, his fingers curling in the fabric of Arin's shirt, holding him tighter.  He couldn't stop shaking and everything felt wrong and he just wanted it to stop.  

He took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes tight.  He felt Arin hold him tighter, making the squeeze in his chest let up just a little, enough to let him pull in a full breath.  That was step one.  Step two would be to stop crying all together and calm down.  Simple enough.

A few more minutes of silence passed, and he was able to stop crying, still slumped against Arin.  "Better?" Arin asked softly, brushing Brian's hair away from his face.

"Yeah..."  Brian sniffled, wiping his eyes quietly.

"Good."  Arin smiled gently, standing up and taking Brian's hands, carefully pulling him to his feet.  "Let's get Suzy and head out of here."  Brian silently nodded, eyeliner still streaking his cheeks.  Arin smiled as Brian gathered his things, squeezing Arin's hand tightly.  

They walked through the office together in silence, Brian's gaze fixed on the ground.  Arin softly called out to Suzy, trying not to startle her.  "Hey sweetheart.  Ready to head out?"

Suzy spun in her chair, taking her headphones from around her neck.  "Mhm!  Just give me a-"  She paused, seeing Brian's tear streaked face and slouched posture.  "Brian?  Are you okay?"  She looked to Arin when Brian just shrugged.

"He's not having the best day.  I think we're all ready to head home..."

Suzy nodded, standing up and squeezing Brian's hand gently.  "Let me grab my stuff."  She shut down her computer, grabbing her laptop bag.  She pulled Brian into a gentle hug, kissing his shoulder gently.  "Come on, let's get out of here..."

Brian just weakly nodded, holding Suzy's hand tightly.  The drive to Arin and Suzy's was quiet, Brian staring out the window in the back seat and not saying anything.  Suzy drove, Arin glancing back at Brian every few minutes.

When they got home, Arin went right to the door to open it, Suzy walking up to the door with Brian.  Things felt a little less complicated now.

He laid down on the couch, sighing as he curled up with Mimi against his stomach.  "What a good cat," he mumbled, petting her gently.  He pressed his face into her fur, listening to her quiet purring.  "I love you so much Mimi."

Suzy smiled softly as Arin went into the kitchen, and she sat down next to Brian's head.  "Doing okay?"

"Mhm."  His voice was muffled by Mimi, who was purring loudly.

She smiled, gently stroking his hair.  They sat in silence awhile, Mimi's purring and Arin in the kitchen the only sounds.  Suzy's nails gently dragged through Brian's hair, soothing him as he breathed slowly.

This is what Brian had always longed for, to feel loved and happy.

To feel at home.


End file.
